Gray Deborah D. - Attaching in Adoption.pdf

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ATTACHING
IN
Practical Tools for Today’s Parents
Deborah D. Gray
ADOPTION
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Advance Comments on Deborah Gray’s
Attaching in Adoption
“This positive, but realistic book is an important resource for all adoptive fami-
lies, at any stage of pre and post-adoption. The information on attachment chal-
lenges will allow prospective adoptive parents to understand the possible issues of
their new children. Those that have adopted will be able to recognize some behav-
iors of their children and learn methods of parenting that will help all to achieve
success.
As an adoptive parent and adoption professional, I found the vignettes heart
warming and at other times, heart wrenching, but realistic and achievable within a
hectic family setting. The clear explanations of the phases allows parents to easily
measure where they are, where their children are and how they can improve their
parenting and health of the entire family.
Attaching in Adoption
is also a valuable resource for professionals who work
with parents. It will assist them to help parents to maneuver the sometimes-chal-
lenging path of adoptive parenting. Deborah’s focus on the health of the family
helps to normalize the specialized skills and techniques taught.”
Yolanda Comparan, MSW, Program Manager, Adoption Resource Center
Northwest Region (Seattle) Children’s Home Society of Washington
“Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s Parents
is a brilliantly written
and sensitive educational journey into the developmental world of attachment. The
book is a comprehensive and clear depiction of the importance of attachment, the
challenge faced by parents adopting high risk children, and the negative effects of
trauma and grief on the development of a secure attachment.
The book reflects Ms. Gray’s depth of perception, understanding of child de-
velopment, empathy, and attunement with the children and families she has served
in her therapeutic practice.
Ms. Gray provides practical common sense tools for parents that can support
them in developing skills that will enhance healthy relationships and connections
with their children. Ms. Gray is realistic and honest as she speaks to parents. She
empowers them to take charge in a nurturing way. She respects the importance of
the balance of nurture and structure.
The chapters on building emotional intelligence, forming a team of support,
and suggestions of when and where to seek professional help provide a hopefulness
that there is a way out of the darkness of emotional chaos into the light of safety and
trust for children suffering from attachment problems.
Although “Attaching in Adoption” is written primarily for parents, I would
encourage my fellow professionals to include this book on their “must read” list. It
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ATTACHING IN ADOPTION
will assist them in their overall understanding of attachment and in their therapeu-
tic work with adoptive parents and children.”
Beverly Cuevas, LCSW, ACSW, Co-founder of Attachment Center Northwest,
Founding member and Board member of ATTACh, Founding Board member of
ADI (Attachment Disorder Institute)
“This book is a must for adoptive parents, adoption professionals and thera-
pists. It stands out because Deborah writes with tremendous empathy and a pro-
found understanding of challenges faced by children who have experienced trauma,
attachment and neglect issues. It is a valuable resource for all types of adoption,
including infant adoption.
Adoptive parents will feel understood, supported and encouraged. Profession-
als will find therapeutic techniques that promote attachment and increase the like-
lihood of success during the course of therapy. Deborah conveys a positive and
hopeful outlook based on her extensive experience in working with hurt children
and their families.
Throughout the book, there are a multitude of practical suggestions for man-
aging and strengthening attachments. Her guidance is easily understood, each page
offering insight and useful tools for a wide array of situations. She emphasizes the
importance of working with skilled therapists and provides guidelines on how to
find them. Always respectful of the issues surrounding the adoption experience,
Deborah has produced a gem which should become required reading.”
Patricia Martinez Dorner, MA, LPC, LMFT, Adoptive parent, adoption pro-
fessional, co-author of
Children of Open Adoption,
author of
How To Open An
Adoption-A Guide For Parents And Birthparents of Minor Children; Talking To
Your Child About Adoption
and
Search: An Ethical Guide For Professionals
“In
Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s Parents,
Deborah Gray is
able to translate into the written word the same caring, compassion, and respect
that she shows toward both child and parent in her person-to-person contacts. In
this book she returns again and again to the importance of both nurturing and
structure in working to form close family relationships; the striking part is how well
she is able to provide both for parents in the writing of this book. She emotionally
nurtures parents while providing clear structure for them in creating a family envi-
ronment that will promote attachments.
In identifying ways to promote attachment, she follows a clear developmental
approach, recognizing the needs of children of varying ages and helping parents
identify how and where their child might be stuck in earlier stages of development.
This is a very important aspect of this work; what is necessary at one stage may be
inappropriate at another.
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My favorite chapters of the book, however, are two of the shorter ones. Both fill
gaps in the adoption literature for parents. The chapter on
Trauma and Traumatic
Loss
translates the more recent information on the physiologic and psychologic ef-
fects of trauma, as reported in the professional literature, into material that parents
can understand and use in their day to day parenting.
The second chapter that I particularly like is the one on
Building Emotional
Intelligence.
In this section, Deborah again takes material from non-adoption sources
and translates it into very practical ideas for adoptive parents to use in helping their
child build and maintain healthy friendships. She identifies the gaps that children
may have in their skills and provides ideas for remediation. As Deborah points out,
“Skill in building and retaining healthy friendships is highly correlated with future
happiness in life—much more so than are academic skills.”
Although this book is primarily written for parents, most professionals in the
area of adoption will find a wealth of practical ideas for helping parents be success-
ful in building attachments with their adopted children.”
Vera I. Fahlberg, M.D., author of A Child’s Journey through Placement
“Deborah Gray has written an excellent book on parenting adopted children
who resist being parented. It is not a cookbook, but rather a comprehensive book on
parenting adopted children with attachment problems. That is why it is excellent.
Deborah does not take the easy road of simply giving recommendations for various
behavior problems. Instead she takes the more arduous route of first trying to help
parents understand the meaning of their adopted child’s behaviors. After helping par-
ents to understand the reasons for their child’s behaviors, she then gives them the tools
for developing interventions that are most likely to fit their unique child.
Deborah asks us to go beyond concluding that an adopted child has Reactive
Attachment Disorder because they manifest a list of symptoms. She asks us first to
also understand the impact of grieving and trauma on a child’s functioning. She
also asks us to know more about the effects of anxiety, cultural changes, and various
other diagnoses, such as ADHD, FAE/FAS, and Learning Disorders. Most impor-
tantly, Deborah teaches us about the seven stages of attachment, beginning at birth
and extending through adolescence, and she helps us to be aware of various inter-
ventions that can facilitate development at each stage. Finally, she tells us about
emotional intelligence, its failure to develop following early abuse and neglect, and
the importance of understanding ways to facilitate it.
Deborah’s contribution to parenting adopted children with attachment prob-
lems is substantial. It is based on understanding and having empathy for the mean-
ing behind a child’s symptoms, along with effective, sensitive, and well-matched
parental interventions. At the same time, she addresses the necessity of parental self-
care, if parents are to persistently provide the quality of care that their adopted child
requires.

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